"We Both Want More Sex—So Why Isn't It Happening?"

sarahbeth44
14 minutes ago
5 min read

A Guide for Couples Who Miss Each Other

A quick note before we start: This post is written for couples where both partners genuinely want more sexual connection and miss the intimacy you once had. If one partner has little interest in sex or feels pressured, that's a different conversation requiring different tools. This is for the couples who both say "we need to prioritize this" but somehow... don't.

The Limerence Hangover

Remember early on when sex just happened? When you couldn't keep your hands off each other? That wasn't a magic trick -- that was limerence, the intoxicating cocktail of novelty and uncertainty that made desire feel effortless. It lasts up to 2 years and it's foundational root is uncertainty. Those "butterflies"? That was anxiety about the uncertainty of being chosen, wanted, etc.

What comes later isn't inferior... but it is likely different.

Long-term sexual connection requires different skills than new relationship sex. It's not that something's damaged or ruined. You've just graduated to a different course, and nobody handed you the syllabus. Sex therapist David Schnarch (in Passionate Marriage) would go further: in his research with long-term couples, he found that the most profound sexual experiences happen later in relationships, not earlier. Early sex runs on uncertainty and novelty. Mature sex -- between what he calls "differentiated" partners who can be fully vulnerable without losing themselves -- accesses something richer. But it requires tools most couples never learn. The good news? These skills are learnable. Let's break them down into manageable pieces.

Understanding Your Desire Styles

The Single Most Important Concept: Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Spontaneous desire = feeling horny out of nowhere, thinking about sex throughout the day
Responsive desire = arousal that shows up after sexual activity begins, not before

Here's what gets couples stuck: They think desire should always be spontaneous. So the responsive desire partner waits to "be in the mood" before initiating... and may wait forever.

The shift: Responsive desire isn't broken desire. It means arousal awakens through touch, closeness, and engagement -- not before it. Many people (often women, but not always) operate primarily on responsive desire in long-term relationships.

What this looks like practically:

The responsive partner might say yes to sex even when not initially feeling desire -- and discover arousal builds as things progress
This isn't "duty sex" -- it's understanding how your body actually works
Both partners learn that "are you in the mood?" is the wrong question. Better: "Would you be open to getting in the mood together?"

The Grilled Cheese Revolution

Stop waiting for the gourmet meal!

You've both been thinking: "We should have sex when we have time for the full experience -- candles, long foreplay, multiple positions, both orgasms, the works."

So you wait for Saturday night when you're not tired, the house is clean, you've both showered, and you have two uninterrupted hours.

Spoiler alert: That Saturday never comes.

Enter: Grilled Cheese Sex

Quick. Simple. Satisfying. Not fancy, but it does the job. More importantly -- it maintains connection.

Think of it like this: Would you rather have an elaborate home-cooked meal once a month, or simple, nourishing food several times a week? Your sexual connection needs regular feeding, not perfection.

What Grilled Cheese might look like:

15 minutes before you both need to get up
One partner receives while the other gives (taking turns different times)
Clothes mostly on, just enough access
More direct stimulation
The goal is connection and release, not performance

Important: This doesn't mean ALL sex should be quick. But if you're stuck in "all or nothing" thinking, grilled cheese gets you unstuck. And honestly? It often creates more desire for the gourmet meals too.

Initiation: The Scary Part

Initiation feels vulnerable in long-term relationships because rejection stings more when it's someone who knows you completely.

The pattern that kills desire:

Partner A initiates
Partner B isn't in the mood, says no
Partner A feels rejected, stops initiating
Partner B notices the distance, but doesn't know how to bridge it
Weeks pass
Both feel disconnected and blame themselves or each other

The reset:

1. Separate "no to sex right now" from "no to you" Partner A needs to hear: Your partner isn't rejecting you. They're tired, stressed, touched-out from kids, or their responsive desire hasn't kicked in yet. It's not a commentary on your desirability.

2. Create a "softer no" Instead of shutting down completely, the person declining can offer:

"Not right now, but could we try tomorrow morning?" (But the partner who says this should also be the one to follow-up)
"I'm exhausted, but would you be open to me just giving you pleasure? I'd enjoy that."
"Can we do a 10-minute make-out session and see where it goes?"

The goal: keep the door cracked rather than slammed shut.

3. Make initiation less ambiguous Some couples benefit from being more direct: "I'd love to connect sexually tonight. What do you think?" beats vague touching that might be affection or might be initiation.

4. Take turns being the initiator Agree that Partner A initiates on certain days, Partner B on others. Removes the guesswork and distributes the vulnerability.

Emotional Safety: The Unsexy Foundation

You can't want to be naked and vulnerable with someone if you don't feel emotionally safe with them.

Common safety-killers:

Unresolved resentment (about household labor, parenting differences, money)
Criticism or defensiveness in everyday interactions
Feeling like roommates rather than romantic partners
One partner shutting down emotionally during conflict

The bridge back:

You don't need perfect emotional attunement. You need good enough and repairable.

Try this: 10 minutes of non-sexual connection daily

Sitting together without phones
Asking one meaningful question: "What was hard about today?" or "What are you looking forward to?"
Physical touch that isn't sexual: long hug, hand-holding, back rub

This primes the emotional safety pump. Sexual desire often follows feeling seen and valued in non-sexual moments.

One more thing: If there's ongoing conflict or resentment, sex won't fix it. Address the emotional disconnection first, even if that means a few sessions with a couples therapist.

Practical Start: The 30-Day Gentle Reset

Feeling overwhelmed? Start here. Pick ONE thing for the next month:

Option 1: The Grilled Cheese Challenge Commit to quick, simple sexual connection 2x/week. Set a timer for 15 minutes. Focus on connection over performance. Alternate who "receives."

Option 2: The Initiation Agreement Decide who initiates which days. The "off-duty" partner practices saying softer nos or curious yeses. Both practice vulnerability.

Option 3: The Responsive Desire Experiment If one of you has responsive desire, that partner commits to saying "yes, let's try" even when not initially in the mood -- but agrees to speak up if things aren't working. See what you learn about your arousal pattern.

Option 4: The Connection Primer Before working on sex, rebuild emotional intimacy. 10 minutes of undistracted connection daily for 30 days. Then reassess.

The Permission You Might Need

You're allowed to:

Have "good enough" sex that's not mind-blowing every time
Prioritize connection over orgasm sometimes
Ask for what you need, even if it feels awkward
Say yes to sex when you're not initially aroused (if you're the responsive desire partner)
Say no and offer an alternative
Need emotional connection before sexual connection
Get professional help -- therapy isn't just for crisis mode

Most importantly: Your long-term sexual connection won't look like it did in year one. And that's okay. What you're building now -- with intention, vulnerability, and practice -- can actually be richer. It just requires different skills.

The couples who think passion automatically fades? They're often the ones who never learned these skills. You're here reading this, which means you're already doing the work.