That Damn Mental Load: Why 'Just Tell Me What to Do' Isn't Actually Helping
- sarahbeth44
- Dec 21, 2025
- 4 min read
Aisha packed tomorrow's lunches while mentally juggling a dozen other tasks: responding to the daycare email, rescheduling the vet appointment, ordering her nephew's birthday gift, signing the field trip permission slip. Earlier, Jake had asked how he could help, but by the time she'd thought of something, he was already scrolling on his phone. It wasn't that he didn't care—she knew he did. But it felt like the weight of their home, their kids, their schedule, and their emotional well-being all rested on her shoulders.
Jake had been trying. He'd loaded the dishwasher and bathed the kids, but he often felt a step behind, like Aisha had an invisible to-do list he couldn't quite see. When she sighed, when she looked exhausted, he felt the unspoken weight of things she carried. And he didn't know how to fix it.
This is mental load—the invisible, exhausting work of managing a household, anticipating needs, and keeping everything running smoothly. When one partner carries more of it, deep exhaustion and resentment can follow. But shifting to a more balanced dynamic isn't as simple as dividing up tasks. It's a process that requires awareness, patience, and a willingness to step into discomfort.
Understanding Mental Load
Mental load goes beyond chores. It's the constant mental tracking of everything that needs to happen: knowing what groceries need restocking, keeping track of appointments and school events, anticipating the kids' emotional needs before a big test, remembering family birthdays, managing social schedules, planning meals.
It's the thinking, planning, and anticipating that make life run smoothly—and it often falls disproportionately on one partner, typically the primary caregiver.
Why Shifting Mental Load Feels So Hard
For the partner who has always carried the bulk of it, handing over responsibility can feel risky. "If I don't do it, will it get done? Will it get done right?" For the partner stepping into a more active role, it can feel overwhelming. "I want to help, but I don't even know where to start."
The transition is uncomfortable for both partners. But discomfort doesn't mean failure—it means growth.
Seven Strategies to Rebalance Mental Load
Shifting mental load isn't about assigning chores; it's about shared ownership of household responsibilities. Here's how couples can navigate this transition with empathy and success.
1. Move from "Helping" to Ownership
What doesn't work: One partner "helps" with tasks while the other still carries the mental burden of tracking, assigning, and following up.
What does work: Shifting from "helping" to owning a set of responsibilities completely. Instead of saying, "Tell me what you need," take initiative: "I'll handle meal planning and grocery shopping each week."
How to implement: Have a conversation about which responsibilities each partner will fully own... without the other managing them in the background.
2. Expect a Learning Curve (and Resist Micromanaging)
What doesn't work: Expecting the partner stepping in to handle things with the same level of efficiency immediately.
What does work: Allowing for mistakes, missteps, and learning. The primary caregiving partner may need to resist the urge to jump in or correct... this process takes time.
How to implement: When mistakes happen, use curiosity over criticism. "I noticed we ran out of diapers—do you want to set a reminder to check the stock each week?" rather than "I told you we'd need more diapers!"
3. Build Mental Load Awareness
What doesn't work: Assuming that the partner who hasn't carried mental load understands its weight.
What does work: Creating transparency by making the invisible work visible.
How to implement: Try the "List It All Out" exercise. Each partner writes down every task they handle, both physical and mental. Compare lists and discuss imbalances with curiosity, not blame.
4. Use Systems, Not Memory
What doesn't work: Expecting one partner to remember everything on their own.
What does work: Using external systems to track shared responsibilities.
How to implement: Use a shared calendar (Google Calendar, Cozi), a to-do list app (Trello, Todoist), or a physical planner to track who is responsible for what. The goal is to remove the need for one person to constantly remind the other.
5. Schedule Weekly Check-Ins
What doesn't work: Assuming things will automatically balance out.
What does work: Intentional weekly check-ins to adjust and support each other.
How to implement: Pick a consistent time (Sunday evenings, for example) to sit down and discuss:
What went well this week?
What felt overwhelming?
Do we need to redistribute any tasks?
How are we each feeling about the balance?
6. Anticipate Emotional Resistance
For the primary caregiving partner: It's hard to let go of control, especially when you've carried this for so long. It's okay to feel frustrated, but the goal is long-term balance, not perfection overnight.
For the partner stepping in: It's normal to feel overwhelmed or even defensive. If you weren't taught to think this way, it takes time. You're not failing—you're learning.
How to implement: Approach emotions with compassion. If resentment, guilt, or frustration comes up, pause and ask: "What do we need from each other right now?"
7. Acknowledge and Appreciate Progress
What doesn't work: Only noticing mistakes or what's still unequal.
What does work: Celebrating wins, even small ones.
How to implement: Express gratitude regularly. "I noticed you handled the school forms without me asking—that felt amazing." This reinforcement helps cement new habits.
Progress, Not Perfection
Jake and Aisha won't nail this right away. They'll get frustrated. Someone will forget something. There will be moments when falling back into old habits feels a lot easier than pushing through the awkwardness of change.
But that's the point—this isn't about being perfect. It's about being better than you were last month.
Look, one person shouldn't have to carry all of this. And the other person can absolutely learn to step up. It just takes time, some uncomfortable conversations, and a willingness to mess up along the way.
When you actually split this stuff fairly, something shifts. The resentment starts to lift. You both feel less alone in it. And honestly? That's when partnership stops feeling like a chore and starts feeling like a team.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling:Â (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)Â