Social Anxiety and the Three-Part Spiral: Before, During, and After the Interaction

You’re about to walk into a social event—maybe it’s a work gathering, a party, or just a casual coffee meetup. Your brain is already running the numbers. What if I say something weird? What if I freeze? What if they think I’m awkward? Your body gets the memo and joins in: heart picking up speed, stomach tightening, maybe even a wave of dizziness.

Or maybe your anxiety takes another route. Maybe the real stress comes after the interaction, when you replay every moment, analyzing it from every angle. Did I talk too much? Did they seem bored? Was that joke offensive? Are they going to think less of me now? The memory loop starts, and suddenly, you’re no longer just living your life—you’re a forensic investigator dissecting a crime scene that never happened.

Social anxiety, social OCD, and rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) can all pull you into this cycle. They have different roots, but they often work together, creating a storm of second-guessing, self-judgment, and exhaustion. If you’ve ever felt like your brain won’t let you just exist in social situations without a postmortem review, you’re not alone. And the good news? There are ways to step out of the cycle and find a little more ease.

Let’s break it down.

The Three Stages of Social Anxiety

Social anxiety doesn’t always show up in the same way for everyone, and it doesn’t always happen in the moment. For many people, it has a three-part rhythm:

1. The Anticipation Spiral: Anxiety Before It Even Happens

Even before the interaction starts, your brain is on high alert. This can look like:

• Running through possible conversations ahead of time, scripting and rehearsing.

• Imagining worst-case scenarios (What if I have nothing to say? What if they think I’m boring?).

• Feeling physically unsettled—racing heart, nausea, trouble focusing.

• Considering canceling, even if it’s something you actually want to do.

  
  

📌 What Can Help?

• Shrink the Timeline: Instead of thinking about the event for days, try to focus on right now. What are you doing in this exact moment?

• Externalize the Thoughts: Write down your worries, but don’t engage with them—just get them out of your head.

• Decide in Advance: If canceling is a temptation, set a rule for yourself: I make the decision about canceling one hour before, not a day before. Anxiety loves to trick you into avoiding things that might actually be okay once you’re there.

  
  

2. The Social Moment: Navigating the Interaction Itself

Now you’re in the situation, and a whole new layer of anxiety kicks in. Here’s what might be happening:

• Hyper-awareness of yourself—your body, your words, your expressions.

• Feeling like you’re being watched or judged, even if no one is reacting negatively.

• Overanalyzing your tone, word choice, or whether your joke landed right.

• Struggling with pauses in conversation, feeling pressure to keep it flowing.

  
  

📌 What Can Help?

• Redirect the Spotlight: Your brain wants to focus on you, but try shifting that attention outward. Notice the details of the room, the way someone else’s eyes light up when they talk, or the scent of your drink. Engaging your senses can ground you.

• Let Go of the Performance: You don’t have to be the most interesting or charismatic person in the room. Focus on connection, not perfection.

• Use Neutral Silence: Instead of scrambling to fill every pause, remind yourself: silence isn’t bad. It’s just space.

  
  

3. The Emotional Hangover: Rumination and Second-Guessing

The interaction is over, but your brain isn’t done with it yet. Here’s what post-social anxiety can look like:

• Replaying conversations and trying to “fix” moments in your mind.

• Feeling embarrassment, regret, or shame—even if nothing actually went wrong.

• Assuming that people are thinking about you negatively, even though they’ve probably moved on.

• Wishing you could go back and “undo” something you said.

  
  

📌 What Can Help?

• Interrupt the Loop: When you catch yourself spiraling, try gently saying “stop” in your mind and redirecting your attention elsewhere—listen to music, move your body, or focus on something external.

• Reality-Check It: If a friend told you the exact same worry, what would you say to them? Chances are, you’d be much kinder to them than you’re being to yourself.

• Zoom Out: Ask yourself, Will this matter in a week? A month? The answer is almost always no.

  
  

The Ingredients in Your Social Anxiety Recipe

Social anxiety isn’t one thing—it’s a mix of different thoughts, sensations, and beliefs. Some people have more of the anticipatory anxiety, others struggle most with the post-social rumination, and some deal with all three stages. If you’re trying to understand your own version of it, here are a few questions to consider:

• Do I get more anxious before, during, or after social interactions?

• What kinds of situations feel hardest for me? (One-on-one conversations, group settings, new people, authority figures, etc.)

• What physical sensations do I notice when I’m anxious?

• How does my brain talk to me when I’m in these moments? What’s the tone of that inner voice?

  
  

Understanding the ingredients in your personal “recipe” for social anxiety can help you know where to start when looking for relief.

Moving Toward More Ease

If you see yourself in any of this, just know: You’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Your brain is just trying to protect you—it’s just sometimes a little overprotective. The goal isn’t to “never feel anxious” but to find ways to move through it with more ease.

Small steps help. You don’t have to “fix” everything at once. Try experimenting with one of the coping strategies above and see what feels right. And remember—most people are too busy thinking about themselves to be analyzing you as much as you fear they are.

Social anxiety is a tough companion, but it doesn’t have to call all the shots. With time, practice, and self-compassion, you can build more comfort in social spaces, one moment at a time.

If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing. 

Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Connected Resilience, LLC

For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) 

sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us 

www.connectedresilience.us