Am I Like Them? Navigating the Fear of Having a Personality Disorder When Raised by Someone Who Did
- sarahbeth44
- Feb 4
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 23
If you grew up with a parent who had a personality disorder, you may carry a quiet (or not-so-quiet) fear deep inside: What if I’m like them?
It makes sense. You’ve seen firsthand how confusing, painful, and destabilizing it is to be in a relationship with someone who twists reality, struggles with accountability, or cycles through explosive emotions and icy withdrawal. Maybe you’ve spent your whole life bracing against their moods, trying to predict the unpredictable.
And now, when you catch yourself reacting in ways that remind you of them—pulling away when you feel hurt, feeling desperate for reassurance, using persuasion to get your needs met—you wonder: Does this mean I have a personality disorder too?
I want to slow that fear down with you.
Being Human vs. Being Harmful
Everyone has moments of selfishness, fear, and self-protection. Everyone has days where they react rather than respond, where they withdraw when they’re overwhelmed, where they feel wounded and lash out.
The difference between being human and having a personality disorder that harms others isn’t about whether you ever struggle with these things—it’s about how you engage with them.
Are you aware of your impact on others?
Do you feel distress when you notice yourself repeating old patterns?
Do you take responsibility and try to do better?
If the answer to those is yes, then what you’re experiencing isn’t the absence of self-awareness—it’s the presence of it. People with deeply disordered traits often lack the ability (or willingness) to reflect on their own behavior. But the very fact that you’re worried about this, that you’re searching for understanding, tells me you don’t lack that ability at all. In fact, you might even be carrying the opposite tendency: hyper-responsibility.
CPTSD and Personality Disorders: The Overlap
Another thing to consider is that complex PTSD (CPTSD) can look, at times, like a personality disorder.
When you grow up in an environment of emotional unpredictability, rejection, or neglect, your nervous system adapts. You may develop hypervigilance (What are they feeling? What do I need to do to keep them from exploding or withdrawing?). You may struggle with emotional regulation (I feel overwhelmed, I need to shut down). You may have attachment wounds that show up as fear of abandonment, avoidance, or difficulty trusting people.
These experiences can mirror traits of certain personality disorders—because both are adaptations to an unstable environment. But there’s a key difference:
CPTSD is a stress disorder—it’s the result of repeated relational trauma and the ways your nervous system learned to survive.
Personality disorders are deeply ingrained patterns of relating to others that persist across all relationships and settings, often with little self-awareness.
If you grew up learning that you had to earn love or that safety depended on controlling or adapting to others, it makes complete sense that some of those behaviors might still be wired into you. But healing is possible, and unlike someone who is unable or unwilling to take responsibility, you are seeking out ways to break the cycle.
What If I See Traits I Don’t Like in Myself?
It’s painful to see patterns in yourself that echo the person who harmed you. It can make you feel contaminated, like you’re carrying something toxic inside. But here’s the thing: you are not your parent.
If you recognize that you’ve used manipulation at times to get your needs met, it means you’re capable of self-reflection, and you can learn healthier ways to ask for what you need.
If you struggle with emotional reactivity, it means you have big emotions—not that you’re doomed to repeat your parent’s cycles.
If you sometimes go cold on people when you feel hurt, it means you’ve learned a survival strategy—you can also learn how to stay connected even when you’re afraid.
The difference between you and the person who hurt you is that you are willing to look at yourself. You are willing to do the work. And that’s everything.
Reassurance for the Fear of “What If?”
If you’re afraid you might have a personality disorder, let me gently remind you:
Disordered behavior is often marked by a lack of insight and refusal to take responsibility. You are here, searching for answers, questioning yourself, and trying to grow. That alone sets you apart.
Traits are not disorders. Just because you’ve learned ways of coping that resemble certain traits doesn’t mean they define you. They are adaptations, not an identity.
You get to choose who you become. The patterns you learned in childhood are not life sentences. With awareness, therapy, and support, you can unlearn what no longer serves you.
So what to do with all this?
The goal isn’t to never struggle. The goal isn’t to erase every trait that scares you. The goal is to notice, to name, to soften.
You don’t have to be perfect to be good. You don’t have to prove your worth by never making mistakes. Healing isn’t about becoming some flawless version of yourself—it’s about becoming real. Whole. Someone who can hold both their strengths and their struggles with tenderness.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone who never reacts out of fear or pain. It’s about building the ability to notice when those old patterns show up, to pause, and to choose differently.
If you look closely, the parts of you that you fear the most—the reactivity, the withdrawal, the need for control—aren’t signs of brokenness. They are remnants of the child who had to navigate a complicated, painful environment without a guide.
That child didn’t have the tools you have now. They were doing the best they could. And now, as an adult, you have the chance to take their hand, to remind them that they’re safe, and to show them a new way forward. A way built not on fear or survival, but on trust, self-compassion, and the deep knowing that you are allowed to grow beyond what was given to you.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
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