Taming the "4 Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse": Practical Strategies

Are you and your partner trapped in a frustrating loop of repetitive arguments and feeling like you're speaking entirely different languages?

It's a common human experience, and I know neither of you want to be here again.

Conflict itself isn't inherently negative. Strong relationships can weather differences and come out even stronger. Conflict can force us to clarify our needs and values. However, there are lines that should never be crossed, and it's crucial to learn how to repair and grow from these conflicts. To do that, both partners must learn to acknowledge and validate the other person's human experience and feelings, and understand that their experience may differ from yours.

There are concrete steps you can take to fix the common defense mechanisms that keep showing up between you and your partner. Relationship experts Drs. Julie and John Gottman have identified "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which are four toxic communication styles that can destroy relationships and connections.

Let’s explore them and provide you with actionable ways to identify and manage your patterns, so you can have the discussions and relationship you want.

1. CRITICISM

What It Looks Like:

Criticism often begins with generalizing your partner's behavior. It can quickly spiral into a personal attack on your partner's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific issue or action. Instead of talking about what you need to feel more peace about domestic chores, it might come out as calling them “lazy” or “selfish.” “Always” and “never” statements show up here too.

Concrete Strategies for Improvement:

• Replace blame with your feeling: Instead of saying, "You always..." or "You never...," express your feelings. Say, "I felt hurt when you did X," or "When you stare at your phone all night instead of engage with me, I feel lonely even if I’m in the same room with you.” According to Esther Perel: “I’m not telling you that’s what you’re doing, I’m telling you how I’m feeling. (You can argue with how a person defines you but not with how a person feels.)“

• Negative attribution theory comes into play. You may attribute your poor behavior to external factors, like having a bad day, but say your partner's behavior is tied to their character, such as being bad at relationships. Blame instead of curiosity can quickly become criticism.

• Be Specific: Instead of vague complaints, clearly state the behavior that upset you and its impact. For example, "When you didn't call to let me know you were running late, I felt anxious and unimportant."
  

2. CONTEMPT

What It Looks Like:

Contempt is the pinnacle of disrespect in a relationship. It manifests as sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, and other forms of disdain. It's as if you're looking down on your partner with a sense of superiority. Esther Perel, relationship therapist, calls contempt the “kiss of death” for relationships, because it’s nearly impossible to connect with someone for whom we feel contempt. It's also nearly impossible to connect with someone showing contempt.

Concrete Strategies for Improvement:

• Practice Gratitude: As much as possible, express appreciation for your partner's positive qualities and actions. Compliment them sincerely. Catch them doing something right, especially if it’s something you’ve been asking them to do (like plan dates or take out the trash).

• Eliminate sarcasm, name-calling, or mocking. Replace them with respectful and empathetic responses, even during disagreements. Showing humanity to your partner doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It’s not about being right; it’s about connecting with your partner.

• Active Listening: Devote genuine attention to your partner's concerns and respond with understanding and empathy. Again, you don’t have to agree with their plan in order to respect their thoughts or feelings.
  

When contempt has entered the relationship, it’s a dangerous zone. Learning to replace contempt with empathy, understanding, and genuine respect for one another can potentially save an imploding relationship.

3. DEFENSIVENESS

What It Looks Like:

Defensiveness is a knee-jerk reaction to criticism.When we feel attacked, it’s normal to try to protect ourselves. But it tends to make our partner feel like we’re not hearing them, and that we’re just focusing on protecting ourselves. It often includes making excuses, denying responsibility, or even counter-attacking. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, you deflect blame and avoid taking ownership of your actions.

Concrete Strategies for Improvement:

• Accept Responsibility: Instead of getting defensive, admit your role in the issue and express your commitment to finding a solution. Again: This doesn't mean you have to accept blame. Sometimes, things happen beyond our control. However, if your actions are causing emotional distress to your partner, it's important to acknowledge their feelings. Example: “I see how my constant late-night work meetings and weekend commitments have contributed to you feeling overwhelmed with the kids and feeling alone, and I want to work on resolving it. Let's plan a date night so we can reconnect.”

• Stay on Topic: Focus on the issue at hand without deflecting blame or bringing up unrelated past grievances. This is difficult, but it’s possible with attention and effort.

• Active Listening: Practice listening actively, without immediately preparing a counter-argument. Seek to understand your partner's perspective fully.

4. STONEWALLING

What It Looks Like:

Stonewalling is the act of withdrawing emotionally and physically during a conflict. It's as if you've built an emotional wall, refusing to engage with your partner. This often occurs when you're overwhelmed by emotions and can't handle the intensity of the discussion. According to the Gottmans, 80% of stonewallers tend to be male. While it looks like the partner is devoid of emotions, it’s typically a response to being flooded with feelings, but not sure how to handle them. Stonewallers also report fearing that if they start expressing themselves, it might come out as rage or actions that are more aggressive than they know how to control.

Concrete Strategies for Improvement:

• Call for a Timeout: When you’re overwhelmed, let your partner know you need a break to cool down. A 20-minute 'timeout' is recommended, but only if it doesn't involve rumination and obsessing over what you'll say when you reconvene. Take a walk, cuddle with a pet, watch a favorite re-run, or other ways to decompress and lower your physiological response.

• Prioritize Physical Health: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep can positively impact your emotional well-being, making it easier to manage stress. Some people may have sensitivities to caffeine, additives, sugar, or other dietary reasons for feeling activated and getting flooded.

• According to Esther Perel: “Research shows that when you’re in a disagreement, you’re generally capable of repeating what the other person said for only 10 seconds. After that, you go into your rebuttal or tune out. But it’s important to repeat what was said so they feel acknowledged.”

• Regular Check-Ins: Make open, honest conversations a routine in your relationship. This allows problem-solving and strategizing outside of high-pressure moments. Dedicate time to discuss your feelings, needs, and concerns to prevent unresolved issues from triggering the Four Horsemen.

• Check in with each partner about how they’d like to discuss sensitive topics: by text, in-person, by phone, in the car (so there’s no eye contact), taking a walk, etc.?

• What time of day works best for each of you? While the old adage says “never go to bed angry,” most experts agree that it’s rare that we bring our best selves to after midnight “discussions” about tense topics. It’s okay to get some rest before coming back to the topic.
  

Remember, no relationship is flawless, and disagreements are natural. By recognizing and actively addressing the Four Horsemen, you can create a stronger, more loving, and more satisfying partnership.

If you're struggling to implement these strategies, consider couples therapy or counseling. Therapists can provide you with practical tools for effective communication.

If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing. 

Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Connected Resilience, LLC

For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) 

sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us 

www.connectedresilience.us