Learning to Trust Red Flags, Green Flags, and Yourself

After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel unsure about trust—both in others and in yourself. You might find yourself questioning what felt right before, or wondering how to recognize safety moving forward. Maybe part of you worries about trusting too quickly, while another part hesitates to trust at all. If you feel unsteady, that makes sense. You were navigating a situation where love and self-protection often felt at odds, and now you’re learning how to find your own sense of clarity again.

First, let’s get something straight: You were not foolish for trusting before. Some people show you exactly who they are upfront, while others are incredibly skilled at hiding it. Either way, you were doing the best you could with what you knew, what you were taught, and what you hoped for. Love, by its nature, is built on hope. You believed in someone because you saw something good in them, because they reflected back what you needed at the time, because that’s what humans do when they care. That doesn’t mean you failed. The goal now isn’t to shut it down or assume the worst in people—it’s to learn how to trust in a way that honors both your heart and your inner knowing.

A lot of people talk about red flags and green flags like they’re simple checklists, but they’re really more like whispers. Red flags don’t always announce themselves with a bullhorn. Sometimes, they show up as the tiniest nudge—something that doesn’t sit quite right, even if you can’t explain why. Maybe it's the way someone dismisses a small concern you raise, or how they make you feel guilty for setting a simple boundary.

Maybe it’s just an inconsistency—words and actions that don’t fully match up.

When you love someone, especially deeply, your brain naturally focuses on the best in them. Maybe you hoped for change, believed their explanations, or saw the version of them they showed you at their best. That’s not a flaw—it’s human. And if parts of you had to tune out discomfort to survive in that relationship, that was resilience, not failure.

How to Recognize Red Flags Without Self-Doubt

Red flags aren’t always about what someone does outright—they’re about how you feel around them. If you left past relationships feeling like you “should have seen it sooner,” I want to remind you: you saw what you were ready to see, when you were ready to see it. And that’s okay. Now, you get to practice noticing those signals earlier—not as a way to punish yourself for the past, but as a way to care for yourself in the future.

Some ways to tune into red flags in real time:

• Track how your body reacts. If you leave interactions feeling drained, uneasy, or second-guessing yourself often, that’s information.

• Pay attention to how they handle “no.” Do they get defensive? Push past your limits? Guilt-trip you? Safe people take “no” as information, not a challenge.

• See if their words and actions align. When you care about someone, it’s easy to focus on their intentions rather than the impact of their actions. Maybe they say all the right things, and part of you wants to believe them—because of course you do. That’s natural. But over time, the pattern tells the truth. It’s okay if you didn’t see it right away. It’s okay if part of you still wishes things had been different. None of that means you can’t start noticing now.

• Notice how you feel about yourself in their presence. Do you feel smaller? Like you need to prove something? A safe person should never make you feel like you have to “earn” respect.

  
  

And if something feels off? You don’t need to explain why in order to trust it. You are allowed to slow down, take a step back, or say no altogether.

The Quiet Strength of Green Flags

At the same time, learning to trust again isn’t just about spotting danger. It’s also about recognizing what safety actually feels like. And here’s something no one tells you: Green flags don’t always feel like fireworks. Sometimes, they feel... calm. Subtle. Maybe even a little boring at first. If you’ve been in a relationship where chaos and control were the norm, the absence of that intensity can feel unsettling. But healthy connection isn’t built on adrenaline—it’s built on steadiness.

A green flag isn’t just someone being nice. It’s someone being consistent. It’s feeling seen and respected, even when there’s conflict. It’s knowing where you stand, without having to decode mixed signals.

Some green flags to look for:

• They take your concerns seriously. Even if they don’t fully understand, they listen and adjust.

• You feel safe bringing up difficult things. You don’t have to rehearse what you’re going to say or brace yourself for an explosion.

• They respect your autonomy. They don’t try to control your choices, even in small ways.

• You feel steady, not anxious. You don’t have to wonder if they’ll disappear or change unexpectedly.

  
  

One of the biggest green flags? They don’t rush your trust. They let connection build naturally. If someone makes you feel bad for taking your time, that’s not a green flag—it’s a flashing yellow one.

Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Trusting others starts with trusting yourself. If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you may feel like you lost that. But you don’t have to rebuild it all at once. Here’s where to start:

• Practice trusting yourself in small ways. Choose what you want for dinner instead of defaulting to others. Notice when you’re tired and rest instead of pushing through. Listen to your preferences—what do you actually like? These tiny moments build up.

• Give yourself permission to change your mind. You don’t have to stick with a decision just because you made it. If something doesn’t feel good anymore, you’re allowed to pivot.

• Notice what safety feels like in your body. Think of a time when you felt truly at ease with someone. What did that feel like? Use that as a reference point when meeting new people.

  
  

And if you’re afraid of missing the signs again? You are already different than you were before. You have more tools, more awareness, more clarity. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to figure it all out overnight.

Keep paying attention to yourself. You’re not starting over—you’re figuring things out with more information than you had before. That matters.

Falling in love is always a risk. You trusted someone because that’s what people do when they care. That wasn’t a mistake—it was just part of being human. Now, you get to move forward with a little more clarity, a little more self-trust. And whatever comes next, you’ll handle it differently, because you know yourself better now.

You don’t need to catch every red flag right away. You only need to trust yourself enough to notice when something doesn’t feel right—and know that this time, you will listen.

If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing. 

Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Connected Resilience, LLC

For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) 

sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us 

www.connectedresilience.us