Chewers vs. Spewers: Conflict Styles

"Chewer" and "spewer" are terms used to describe different ways individuals process and express their thoughts and emotions, especially during conflict or stressful situations. Understanding these differences can help partners manage conflict and support each other more effectively.

Chewer vs. Spewer:

• Chewer: A "chewer" tends to internalize their thoughts and emotions. They need time to process and reflect before they feel ready to discuss an issue. Chewers may appear withdrawn or uncommunicative during conflict because they are thinking things through.

• Spewer: A "spewer," on the other hand, processes thoughts and emotions outwardly. They feel the need to talk things out immediately and openly. Spewers may appear confrontational or overly expressive because they need to verbalize their feelings to understand them better.
  

Managing Differences:

Recognize and Respect Differences:

1. Understand Each Other's Style: Acknowledge that your partner's way of processing is different but valid. Respect their need for space (chewer) or their need to talk things out (spewer).

2. Communicate Preferences: Discuss how each of you prefers to handle conflict and stress, and agree on a middle ground that respects both styles.
   

Create a Safe Space for Communication:

1. Set Boundaries: If you are a chewer, let your spewer partner know when you need time to process, but also commit to revisiting the discussion within a reasonable timeframe. For your partner, it can mean a lot to verbalize: "I need some space, but I'd like to talk again after I go for a drive and clear my head."

2. Be Patient: If you are a spewer, give your chewer partner the space they need, but it's okay to name your need to eventually discuss the issue.
   

Use "Time-Outs" Effectively:

1. Scheduled Breaks: Agree on taking breaks during heated moments. This allows chewers to process and spewers to calm down, preventing escalation. The Gottmans suggest about 20 minutes to de-flood the nervous system and calm down our reptilian brains.

2. Clear Return Time: Set a specific time to come back to the discussion, so both partners know there's a path forward to re-connecting.
   

Develop Compromise Strategies:

1. Hybrid Approach: Combine both styles by allowing some initial immediate expression followed by a period of reflection before continuing the discussion.

2. Writing it Down: Chewers can write down their thoughts to share later, which allows spewers to see the internal processing while waiting for a full conversation. This can release some of the urgency to communicate, and can also help calm down an activated system.
   

Practice Active Listening:

1. Listen Fully: Both partners should practice listening without interrupting. Chewers should try to engage during discussions, while spewers should allow pauses for reflection and to hear from their partner.

2. Validate Feelings: Acknowledge each other's feelings and perspectives, which can help reduce frustration and build empathy. Imago therapy uses the mirroring and validating approach, which means repeating back what your partner says and validating their perspective. This does not have to mean you agree with them. But it will help your partner feel heard, which can go a long way in de-escalating rising tensions.
   

Seek Professional Help if Needed:

A therapist can provide tools and strategies tailored to your specific dynamics, helping both partners understand and adjust to each other's communication styles. Chewers and spewers is only one dynamic among many, and a trained therapist can help you determine other variables leading to disconnect.

By recognizing and respecting each other’s processing styles, you can create a more connected and supportive relationship where both partners feel emotionally safe and seen. It’s about finding a balance that honors both your needs and fosters healthy communication.

If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing. 

Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Connected Resilience, LLC

For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) 

sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us 

www.connectedresilience.us