Building the Relationship You’ve Never Seen: A Guide for Couples Creating Something New
- sarahbeth44
- Feb 18
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 23
If you’ve never seen a truly healthy relationship up close, it makes sense that “healthy” might feel unfamiliar, maybe even impossible. You might wonder: What does that actually look like? How do we even start?
The truth is, many couples build something strong without ever having had a blueprint. It’s not about getting it right all the time—it’s about creating something that works for both of you, something that feels steady, safe, and connected in ways that maybe weren’t modeled before.
Here are a few places to start exploring together:
1. Noticing What’s Been Normal
Before stepping into something new, it can help to recognize what’s already been shaping your relationship. What did love, conflict, and communication look like in your families growing up? What patterns do you recognize in the way you interact with each other now? Some of them might be working well, while others might feel limiting or painful.
It can be helpful to talk through what you want to keep and what doesn’t fit anymore. If that conversation feels overwhelming, even just starting with curiosity—“What did love look like for you as a kid?”—can open the door.
2. Shifting from Defensiveness to Curiosity
If conflict has felt like something to win or escape from, it makes sense that feedback might feel like an attack. But healthy relationships make space for both of you to feel heard, even when there’s tension.
That might look like experimenting with different ways of responding when something feels off:
“I don’t think I understood what you meant—can you tell me more?”
“I can feel myself getting defensive. I really do want to hear you.”
“I know that wasn’t my intention, but I can see why it landed that way for you.”
It’s not about getting it perfect every time. Just noticing old patterns as they happen is a step toward something different.
3. Creating Emotional Safety
If love has felt conditional or unpredictable in the past, steady connection might feel unfamiliar at first. But healthy relationships allow for moments of reassurance, even in the hard parts.
Maybe that means checking in with each other in small ways—asking, “What’s one thing I could do today that would help you feel supported?” Or paying attention to how repair happens after a hard moment. Even something as simple as, “I don’t like how that went—can we talk about it differently?” can shift things over time.
4. Exploring Small Rituals of Connection
It’s easy for relationships to become about logistics or problem-solving. But steady connection often comes from the small moments in between.
Maybe it’s setting aside ten minutes before bed to talk, without screens.
Maybe it’s sharing one thing each day that felt good, even on the stressful days.
Maybe it’s paying attention to what brings out the best in each other and finding ways to lean into that.
There’s no right way to do this—just what feels meaningful and possible for you both.
5. Navigating Conflict Without Damage
If fights have felt like they either escalate quickly or lead to distance, it might help to experiment with different ways of handling tension. That could mean agreeing on a way to pause when things get overwhelming, or naming what each of you needs in order to repair after a hard conversation.
It might also be helpful to reflect on what happens after conflict. Are there ways to come back together with more understanding? Even a simple, “I didn’t love how we handled that—can we try again?” can open the door for something different.
6. Expanding the Idea of What Love Can Be
If love has always been tied to intensity, proving something, or walking on eggshells, the idea of steady, secure connection might take time to trust. It’s okay if it feels foreign at first.
Some couples find it helpful to listen to relationship podcasts, read about attachment strategies, or even talk with couples they admire about what helps them stay connected. Others find that working with a therapist gives them space to untangle old patterns and explore new ways of relating.
However you approach it, the fact that you’re even thinking about this—wondering, questioning, wanting something different—already says so much about what’s possible for you both.
If this is something you’re working on together, what feels like the first small shift you might explore?
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
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