Beyond Being "Good": A Guide to Claiming Authenticity, Agency, and Autonomy

For many women, the pressure to be "good" started before they could even name it. Being labeled a "good girl" meant praise, approval, and warmth. It meant smiling politely, smoothing over conflict, saying "yes" when you meant "no," and always putting others’ comfort before your own. As you grew older, it translated into behaviors like being accommodating, agreeable, quieting your voice, or suppressing your anger.

At first glance, there's nothing obviously wrong with kindness, gentleness, or nurturing others. But being trained as a "good girl" means something deeper: it means internalizing the message that your worth, safety, and lovability depend on your ability to please, pacify, and perform to someone else’s standards. It means habitually minimizing yourself to maintain harmony.

And eventually, this constant performance can become suffocating.

What Does it Mean to be Trained as a "Good Girl"?

The "good girl" framework is subtle but powerful. It starts young, in family systems, schools, churches, and communities. Girls who fit neatly into roles of helpfulness, quietness, and compliance are rewarded with acceptance and love. Those who push against expectations—who speak loudly, express anger, assert themselves, or take up space—may be criticized, punished, or dismissed as difficult, bossy, or selfish.

Over time, many girls internalize these messages as truths. They learn to suppress their own needs, desires, and authentic feelings to maintain this "good" image. They believe, consciously or not, that acceptance depends on being accommodating, nice, quiet, and selfless—even if it comes at a heavy personal cost.

Why Being a "Good Girl" Feels Safe and Rewarding

There’s a reason this conditioning sticks around: it has undeniable social incentives.

As a "good girl," you often receive immediate positive feedback. People smile, express gratitude, and give you affection. Conflict is avoided, relationships seem smoother, and you earn social capital—because who doesn’t appreciate someone who prioritizes harmony, gives generously, and rarely challenges the status quo?

In the short term, these incentives feel like genuine validation. You belong. You are liked. You feel seen (even if you are only seen for the parts you’ve carefully curated for public view).

But there’s a hidden cost that grows with each year.

Why the "Good Girl" Framework is Ultimately Detrimental

Underneath the sweetness, softness, and harmony lies a deeper reality: the "good girl" training often demands self-abandonment.

When you’re taught that being good means making yourself small, quieting your voice, or deprioritizing your needs, you risk losing touch with your authentic self. Over time, you might notice a quiet resentment bubbling up inside. You may struggle with boundaries, feeling guilty when you say no—even when saying no is essential for your well-being.

You might find yourself constantly drained, anxious, or depressed, unsure why you feel so disconnected from your own life. You might sense that you’re playing a role for others, rather than genuinely inhabiting your own experience.

The hidden price is the loss of three critical parts of your emotional and relational health:

• Authenticity: the ability to show up as your real self, in touch with your own feelings, needs, and desires.

• Agency: the belief that you have choices, power, and influence in your life.

• Autonomy: the freedom to shape your life based on your own values, rather than living in reaction to others’ expectations.
  

If you’re feeling trapped in the "good girl" framework, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It means you learned to survive and find acceptance in a system that didn’t always honor your full humanity.

But you don’t have to stay stuck there.

How to Break Free: A Path Forward

Choosing authenticity, agency, and autonomy is a powerful act of reclaiming yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight—but there are concrete ways to begin.

1. Get Clear About Your Own Values

You might have learned early to adapt yourself to others’ expectations. Now it’s time to get curious about what actually matters to you. Take a quiet hour, write down things you genuinely value—without filtering for how acceptable they might be to others. Ask yourself:

• What brings me true joy?

• What do I deeply care about?

• If approval wasn’t a factor, how would I live my life?
  

2. Practice Small Acts of Authenticity

Authenticity is built through practice. It can feel vulnerable at first, so start small. Be truthful about small preferences—say clearly what restaurant you actually want, admit if you disagree politely, or stop saying yes to events you really don’t want to attend. Notice how it feels to honor your actual desires and opinions.

3. Learn to Tolerate Discomfort

If you’re accustomed to maintaining harmony, setting boundaries or speaking honestly can feel deeply uncomfortable. But discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s simply unfamiliar. Gently practice sitting with it, reminding yourself that your worth and value are not tied to others’ reactions.

4. Replace Niceness with Genuine Kindness

Being "nice" is often performative—it’s doing what others expect to maintain peace or approval. Genuine kindness is choosing to act from a place of integrity and warmth without betraying your own boundaries. Practice kindness that doesn’t require self-sacrifice. (Here's a document that explores this distinction.)

5. Cultivate Boundaries that Honor You

Boundaries aren’t punishments—they’re invitations into healthier relationships. Practice saying gentle but clear phrases like, "Thanks for inviting me, but I won’t be able to make it," or "I appreciate the offer, but that’s not something I can commit to right now." You don’t owe long explanations. Nedra Tawwab is a leading voice on boundaries.

6. Reclaim Anger and Strong Emotions

You may have learned anger is unsafe or unwelcome. In reality, anger is simply a boundary emotion. It tells you when something isn’t okay. Allow yourself space to acknowledge, express safely, and validate your own anger. Journaling, movement, or honest conversations with safe people can help you reconnect with these vital emotions. A great book to dissect the messages of anger is Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.

7. Trust Your Inner Knowing

You’ve likely spent years looking externally for validation and direction. Shift your attention inward—practice asking yourself first what you really think, want, and need. Gradually, you’ll rebuild a relationship with your intuition and inner wisdom, and learn to trust your own perspective again.

8. Surround Yourself with Authentic Community

Finding and nurturing relationships with others who value authenticity, agency, and autonomy can dramatically help you feel safe practicing your new boundaries and behaviors. Seek out spaces and friendships that allow you to show up fully human—without apology.

What This Means for You:

Breaking free of the "good girl" framework isn’t about rejecting kindness or warmth—it’s about reclaiming your right to be fully human. It’s about acknowledging that your worth isn’t contingent on pleasing others. You have permission to hold boundaries, express anger, and prioritize your own needs, even when it feels messy and new.

You deserve a life where you feel safe enough to show up authentically. You deserve relationships rooted in mutual respect, not conditional acceptance. You deserve the deep fulfillment that comes when you live in alignment with your genuine self.

Moving beyond "good" means stepping into a deeper, richer way of being: honest, grounded, compassionate—starting first and foremost with yourself.

Reflection Questions for You:

• Where do you notice yourself still performing the "good girl" role?

• What boundaries have you been most hesitant to set?

• Which area feels most exciting or freeing to reclaim: authenticity, agency, or autonomy?

• What's one small step you can take today to honor your true self?

If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support processing your experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing. 

Sarahbeth Spasojevich, LPC, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Connected Resilience, LLC

For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) 

sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us 

www.connectedresilience.us